I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
