oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
