batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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