Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
