Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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