I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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