Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
