you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
