dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
