I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
