i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
