and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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