I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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