If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
