I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
