Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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