i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
