Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You pole danced in your parka.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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