How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
