I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
