I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
