In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
