A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
