my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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