I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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