So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize