i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
