At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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