just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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