Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
