On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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