Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
