Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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