I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
