Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
