college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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