I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were trust falling into bushes
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
