im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
