Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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