I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
