I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
