You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
