it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
