matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
