I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
