I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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