The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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