I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
