I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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