I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
