i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize