If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
