the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
