The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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