How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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