It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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