i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
