For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
